Why you procrastinate - and how to stop! :)
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my mum is very good at ordering me around she will keep "nagging" me by just mentioning grass is getting long the taps need changing and will mention it ever couple hours just so you know she really wants you too. but wont ask you to do it directly and when told no will sulk about it and continue to mention it. i am a adult not a kid anymore she use to do the same thing to my dad before he passed and i moved in to help her out since my dad did everything she was like a kept woman that just went to work and dad payed all the bills and bought all the shopping and did all the handyman stuff around the house. so she tries to treat me the same and will try and nag me into things i dont want to do or aint qualified to do. it is very irritating and annoys me to the point i blow up at her some times.
Holy shit.... this explains EVERYTHING I’ve been suffering with. Not just procrastination , EVERYTHING. I realized I didn’t have to do anything but then ended up doing nothing unless I forced myself to by using the slave mentality and anxiety I had before as I was still a slave but had no master. I became both.
I work sometimes in elementaries and its true; I feel bad for the ones 5 and 6 years old that are barked at for small petty things and commanded what to do and they don't know how else to respond but either listen or lash out.
I don't have do nothing, I like that! To hell with cutting the grass winter coming in 5 months. To hell paying taxes I may died soon,and above all I'll go to work when I wake up not even going to look a the clock. Things should be all better.
Greatness awesimry talk like always Stephan, so much of what you speak rings tru. We are great little soldier an slaves to ourselves and others, only hope is we get liberated and continue to learn and pass it unto the next gen, Generation Radical Truth. Good day!!
Passive aggressiveness implies you don't like something so you express that in subtle ways like being snarky instead of overtly expressing your discontent. How does this comply with someone who wants to do something and enjoy doing the thing when they do it, but make excuses to avoid it because they pathologized the idea they can offput something and do it later, but forget about that thing they should and wanted to do? l also don't see how this works with the various personality traits.
What about kids who obey very well? What about people who are high in Nueroticessm and avoid doing things because of fear?
Even though by your estimation my parents performed "physical abuse," I believe they did the best thing possible with it. Even after a spanking, they would sit down and have a sort of hugging time with me and my siblings where they asked us if we knew why that had to happen, let us know we were loved, and even take feedback from us. Spankings were preferable to revocation of privileges because that's all you have in a homeschooled household.
Hi, I am a new fan. You probably hear this all the time, but....this video changed my life. Lightbulbs went on, pieces fell into place and I simply got up and, for two solid focused hours, tackled piles of paperwork that I just couldn't face before. This focus and freedom has continued. And....another amazing response is a feeling of being embodied. That is, I feel like I'm inhabiting myself. My body feels different. Like lost parts of me have shown up. There's more of me behind my eyes. Thank you so much.
I don't typically comment, but this really resonated with me. I've been watching your videos for a long time and only now just stumbled upon this one. I struggle so so badly with procrastination, which is amplified by my ADD. Because I have low dopamine I've been using supplement regimes in combination with stimulants to get myself "to do" anything and everything that does not bring me pleasure. For a long time during my childhood I resented my dad because this is exactly the kind of relationship we had. Often I would be about to leave to do something fun with my friends and suddenly I "had to" do some dis-pleasurable task before I could go. I've always vehemently resented school and homework to the point where I'd stay up all night and either rush through it/study 2 hours before the class or sometimes still not do it at all. And strangely enough now that I think about it the (many) instances where I decided to say "fuck it" brought me great relief, and I think it is because what you have described. It was MY choice.
Thank you so much Stefan
This week there was another procrastination conference. However, a note on the door says, "If you are here on time reading this then you do not belong to this group. If you are reading this at a later date. Then please be on notice that due to delays, this procrastination meeting will be held next year at this same date and time."
By not drinking you become a slave to your thirst, thus by drinking before you need it can free up time to do something other than look for water...There is a fine line between being able to choose and enslaving yourself by procrastinating and then developing resentment then procrastinate again ..it's a vicious cycle...p.s I love drinking water but it feels like a chore however once I have banked up on water I go back to being satisfied, then prolong it by delaying from completing other tasks so that I keep myself enslaved...Maybe I am afraid of having nothing to do because I have a fear of creating more things to avoid..maybe the trick is to finding something worth making time for...or re-assessing what is important...and of value to me...I would really like to create time for exercise without feeling like I should be somewhere doing something else more productive..maybe I'm afraid of getting fit...maybe I will realise how much time I have wasted...maybe I should have just done my homework...
I respect Stefan's opinion on procrastination and definitely agree with what he says, but does anybody else find it difficult to stop externalising the 'have-to's' in life considering that's what we've been taught to do?
And the source of all this is that we have all been slaves and enslaved in past lives, which is really the source of all this insanity. The past is present, and has to be healed in the present. Past was horrible...kings, queens, emperors and such...so much oppression. We all reincarnate, and it explains much.
My goodness, I'm watching this video 9 years too late.. haha..
Pretty spot on, Stefan. Procrastination is the result from being bullied from every aspect of life as a child, when you are basically helpless and defenseless against it.. With adults in your life using threats and punishment to get you to comply..
It wasn't just the fact that I wasn't interested in school as a child, or felt that I didn't get along with teachers, or didn't grasp and learn the material, I was dealing with a dysfunctional childhood and family life, my entire life.. I had parents who didn't want me to begin with.. I had no father or father figure.. My mother didn't care about my health for the most part, which added to the difficulties of getting things done.. They didn't teach me anything.. Maybe what NOT to do as a parent.. Me losing the very few people who actually loved me when I was still young, watching them literally die in front of me, no one knew or cared about how it affected me.. Just go to school.. Not being able to do anything about it, just like being bullied by every other situation in life.. The result..?? I didn't want to go to school, so I dropped out, I smoked pot to forget about dysfunction and trying to ignore it and push it aside.. To try and have some laughs with friends.. And of course there's a whole lot more that happened.. A whole lot of self medicating, anxiety for most of my life, and eventually, depression..
It has taken me a LONG time to question everything in my life, question the current events and politics in our time, to learn about what happened in my life and why, to accept it, and finally START to move on..
And yes, when you realize that you DONT have to do anything, but there are consequences to your actions, or inactions, that you are responsible for what happens, and it's not just someone telling you to do something, dictating you to do it.. It's a whole different perspective..
Trying now to turn my life around as a 37 year old dog trying to learn new tricks.. I beat the anxiety and depression for the most part by changing my bad dietary habits, exercising again, quitting smoking cold turkey, quitting the self medicating, trying to sleep earlier to get up earlier, watching motivational videos, copying down motivational quotes, planning to go back to school, to hopefully get into a program that I actually have interest in.. Still don't know if I can do it, but going to try.. If it were up to me, I would get my Bachelors of science in Nursing, a Bachelors in Psychology (or is it a PhD.??), a Bachelors in Nutrition, and a whole lot more.. haha.. I don't even know what they're called.. To create some sort of untouchable business..!! But that's a dream.. A work in progress..
As children we were treated as slaves, or as I realized, it was a means of being able to have some measure of control in an uncontrollable situation where the alternative was losing the very conditional love of my divorced parents. So a psychological coping mechanism that has persisted way after it's best-if-used-by date: exactly. Thank you for the excellent, on the mark presentation, Stefan. Not true in healthy families, as I'm working to maintain now, but such are few and far between.
Perhaps I am fortunate enough to have good parents, but the crux of your argument simply falls apart in the case of my life, and I think it may have to do with something more than simply circumstance. Children are guided for a reason. You are treating children as rational, mature adults, and although there is some verity to that principle, at the same time, they are still children. They do not yet have a foundation to rely upon, and they need parents to provide that foundation so that they can have their own opinions and then understand what they want or don't want. That's why teenagers are infamously rebellious: they've reached the age where they're old enough to have formed their own opinions and standards of beliefs and the restraints of the parents feel more authoritarian than educational. They aren't as necessary anymore. Of course, there is the flip side where potentially children's views and interests are never taken into account at all, but that is the fault of the parents, not the system of parenthood.
Haha! Like my name says I am a dairy farmer, so I really appreciated the opening line "as children we are treated as slaves"! I haven't listened to the rest yet, but I was definitely a 'slave' and I suffer pretty wicked procrastination. Had to comment, I literally laughed out loud.
Dear Stefan, I have been trying to understand procrastination for a while, and I came to understand what you said in this video, though I didn't put it as clearly in front of me as you just did. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
This clip is correct. Its a little harder if one has a mental illness, but of course it helps to understand this.
So what now? I don't know, but I have a little Masters degree course to be getting on with.
Stefan, I'd like to talk with you regarding an existential obsession phenomenon. How do i get in touch? I'll check out your website.
I see there a problem:
if I change the point of view on my exam and say "its my decision" ...its still the decision of my Mother or the Society too...
now there are to Initiators co exsisting. So wouldnt it be consequent to brake up the curent study and start something new, something you own from the beginning?
Even if you realy belive that you are the initiator of the action, your "ex-master" still thinks he initiates it. At least in your head he still has the same power...
I'm not sure yet that I completely buy your theory here but it would explain how the more I want to do something the harder it becoms to do it until even things I once really, really loved become sour no one likes anything forced down their throats.
My father was very authoritarian if not abusive and I found school rather soul-crushing even though I am generally curious, repetitive & hihly structured tasks just aren't my thing (what would be a strong P preference in jungian typology terms) so that coud be it...
26:36 I had this exact same feeling and realization when I dropped out of highschool in grade 12. There was an overwhelming sense of freedom and possibility. Probably the greatest feeling I had ever experienced.
Holy fucking shit I just realized that the, "I have to" mentality is what made me start hating going to the gym. When I first started off when I was 15 I went every weekday straight after classes no questions asked and made it a fully fledged habit because I wanted to. After dropping out I changed my perspective from "wanting to" to "having to" since I chose to pursue an athletic career.
Thank you Stefan for this video.
15:00 this story about the teen and mom reminds me of the story of the no-good-on-thedough-hippy who don't wanna work for their own living, but at the same time shall have all the _right_ for "negotiation" with those who provide you with food, sh elter and money (employer). It's funny how you can turn the coin in this scenario.
And the cutest thing is this: You don't have to do anything. And yet, you finally do what you truly want to do, but watch out. If you don't do whatever it is you truly want, you'll end up doing what somebody else wants you to do. The trouble is I still don't want to do the dishes, I'll do it until I see the three-day pile and say to myself. Man, why didn't i just wash my dishes in the first place? It's all an internal issue.
We put off our plans for the other things that "people" say are important. That's why I learned how to play the piano at 54.
Because I didn't hear my friends or my family. They said to me: You can't afford it. You barely have money for trousers. Now I am happy learning how to play the piano.
We usually procrastinate all these activities that are expected from us. When we understand the usefulness of an activity, we dedicate time to it, like washing the dishes, We don't procrastinate the things we enjoy, unless of course, we are slaves of our social environment. There has to come a time when we say: Oh, what the heck, let's do it.
Maybe it's just me, but after years (or even decades for the older among us) would this type of master/subservient relationship not ruin any preferences, will or desire thereby not annihilating any imperative, after long enough? does this type of 'relationship' have the capacity to permanently ruin people on this inside?
Paraphrasing from the video:
Having to do something implies a lack of choice. You essentially become a slave to doing that one thing because you have no other options otherwise. This is where the slave-resentment arises, and it's why we procrastinate. There's a natural tendency of humans to rebel against subjugation. Forcing yourself to do something is working against the tide, it's an uphill battle that requires enormous willpower, and willpower is a limited resource. Failure is likely.
Wanting to do something implies you have choices. You have freedom to choose what you want to do. You could sit around and eat junk food all day, but of course their are negatives to that lifestyle, and you probably won't do that for the sake of your health. When we go to work many of us feel we HAVE to otherwise we won't be able to pay for rent, food, bills, ect., and then we'll face the pain of homelessness/social stigma. But really, you don't have to do anything. You don't have to get a job, you don't have to fill out forms, you don't have to maintain your social life, no one is forcing you to do any of that. There would consequences to be sure, but they would still be a result of your own choices.
Like he said: "we don't postpone pleasure, we may defer it for a short time for the sake of greater pleasure later on."
When you make your own choices you don't procrastinate, you just can't, because you are making them based on your own life and own preferences.
Look, he's not saying you will be able to accomplish all of your hopes and dreams with 100% certainty by simply following what you WANT to do, nor is he saying whatever you want to do is the right thing to do, that's something you would need to figure out on your own through acquiring more knowledge. What matters here is whether you are making your own choices or ordering yourself around, the difference is profound.
i wonder if some cultures are more involved with their children and their natural tendency to want to help. maybe what Jesus was trying to say when he said 'you must become like these' hadn't considered that until now ' your right their are infinite possibilities... my dad died 11 days ago and i'm lucky enough to know his story and his childhood and then passed down to me and to my children ' i spoke with my daughter about this, and explained that my hope was the it get's better with each generation. Thanks Stefan I think you may help free some minds with this.
You have taken such a long time to post this video that blue whales have migrated 3 time in there 22,000 mile migratory cycle already . You waited so long to post this video , that Johnny Cason said , I will not be right back . You waited so long to post this video that Japanese soldiers , finally agreed that the wars has to be over by now , and when home to see if they still had wives . last but not least , you have waited so long to post this James t kirk got tired of waiting , over through the united federation of the planets lost his mind blew up everything , and now there is only my , laptop , and your computer that some how miraculously survived the whole thing and are still connected on the internet :)
What if you can use procrastination to your advantage? Instead of using the power of procrastination to put off the important things that need to get done, why not use it to conquer some of the behaviors that you want to overcome? Instead of putting off work or exercising, why don’t you procrastinate getting angry? Or procrastinate getting upset or scared or worried?
Oh man I wish I found this video years ago this is one of the best I've seen, if you look up at the dictionary the word Procrastination you'd probably see a picture of my face on it. 2016 will be a year free from procrastination, that's my new years resolution. 2015 was a hell of a year, disowning the family, getting back to school, avoiding dysfunctional relationships. I have never felt so free and whole in my life since I discovered Freedomain Radio, it was hard, it was painful but it was worth it! Many thanks Stef.
I once wrote a speculative short story (no longer available online) showing a society in which the artificial divide between adults and children had been dissolved and the only law was that you could do anything--anything at all--that you were qualified for. Age discrimination was considered as evil as racial or sexual discrimination.
The story came out of my realisation that age discrimination was the last acceptable discrimination left, and also that it was often random in that there were plenty of adults who were at least as irresponsible as children. The way my choices or opinions had been studiedly ignored during my schooling was probably a factor.
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